About a year ago, I had completed a big work project and felt particularly proud of myself and told my husband I was going to reward myself with boba while out running errands. Boba has long been one of my favorite treats, though the kids have not yet been allowed to try it since it was a choking hazard when they were little and now just not wanting to give them caffeine. But if I'm being completely honest, it's also cuz I'm selfish and don't like to share. Queen Sass asked to come along that morning while her brother stayed home to play games with my husband and asked where we were going.
Me: We're going to go to the bank to get some cash, and then get some groceries and then we're gonna go get boba b/c Mama wants to celebrate.
QS: Why do you want to celebrate, Mama?
Me: Well, I worked really hard on a project, and it went well, so, I want to reward myself.
QS: Oh yeah, you should, Mama! You work really hard!
Me: Thanks, kiddo!
QS: You know, Mama, my brother and I would really like to celebrate with you...but we're not allowed to have boba. I guess we should go get Jamba Juice, because my brother and I really want to celebrate with you, Mama. Don't you think that's a good idea for us to celebrate together?
It was a pretty sound argument for a then 4 year old, I actually couldn't think of a good response. Her negotiation skills were impressive - not only did they support the initial premise, but she spun it in a way so I would want to include her in the process and then she made it seem less self-serving by including her brother in her proposition. Her ability to campaign for what she wanted makes me both proud and super fearful of what will happen when she becomes a teenager.
There's something really cool about watching your kid advocate for herself. I find myself the opposite quite frequently. While I work at campaigning for others, I'm terrible at doing it for myself. Statistically, women actually screen themselves out of the conversation and apply for 20% fewer jobs than men do. Women typically wait until they meet 100% of the job criteria before they'll apply whereas men generally apply once they've met 60%. It's not for lack of talent or intelligence. 70% of high school valedictorians are female, women are graduating from college at 10 points higher rates than men and yet women only make up 29% of upper management. In Where You Are Is Not Who You Are, former Xerox CEO, Ursula Burns pointed out that "talent is evenly distributed. Opportunity is not. I don't believe you are born with greatness, though I think there are things that can prevent you from becoming great. I think you are nurtured into greatness."
There's plenty that can be said about the barriers that women face, but breaking away from the unhelpful societal and cultural lessons that have caused us to shrink ourselves down and doubt our strengths are probably the two I struggle with most. Learning how to nurture and care for myself is still difficult and it feels awkward and arrogant to even say my strengths out loud. It's been a pretty decent journey into my practicing my 3 R's and I still have trouble being kind to myself. Advocating for myself isn't even a consideration most of the time.
Last year, during part of my COVID boredom, I planted a garden. To be clear, I do not have my mother's green thumb. We had been married for 8 years at that point and had left the front garden area as a gigantic pile of dirt and weeds almost the entire time. But boredom does strange things to you and I decided it was time to work on it. I severely underestimated just how much work it would take to get rid of all the weeds, turn the soil, prep things well, plant the actual flowers and then provide them the environment where they would grow. But I am my mother's daughter and sheer stubbornness would not let me give up. What I had naively estimated would take me 2-3 hours over one weekend took the better part of 50-60 hours spread over several months. But with time and care, the garden grew and soon we had beautiful flowers, tomatoes and strawberries. Though physically exhausting, it was pretty cool to watch something I had nurtured with my own hands literally bear fruit.
I've heard stories of people speaking kindly to their plants to help nurture their growth. Maybe this last year of learning how to carve out space for myself is starting to grow something. My confidence is still shaky at times, but I worked up the courage to ask for a big opportunity recently and that felt huge. A few years ago, it never would have even been a consideration to think about it long, let alone ask. I love what Burns said and think you can be nurtured into greatness. And that can start with me. If anything, Queen Sass is already showing me the way to charge ahead and claim her greatness. I knew that kid was way smarter than I am. Although, I did manage to say "no" when she tried to angle for donuts with her smoothie that day but can't blame the girl for taking her shot.
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